penny foolish pound wise

How the Universe drives us crazy!

-Jamila Sidhpurwala

Remember those moments when you press your cold cream dispenser thrice, nothing comes out and on the fourth bump, cream sufficient to coat four cakes presents itself everywhere. The immense irritation you feel when the Pani Puri vala bhaiyya spills water all over your hands and shoes while serving. The way you twitch your toes in anger when you can’t find the starting point of the masking tape. But why am I saying all this? Well, because these issues which we call petty and trivial are the real reasons that humanity is undergoing incalculable stress. Who will rescue us from these unsung issues? ‘ME!’ is what I would say if I could do anything about it. But, for starters I have outlined a few issues which need immediate attention by human kind.

Man has reached the moon and Mars, but the likes of me still haven’t figured out how to set the shower taps to get proper temperature water. Every morning when I take a shower, it feels as though the shower mixers have conspired to either burn me or freeze me to death. There is no in between. But, thats not all. There are more bathroom fixtures which I am up against. For example the seat jet. When people shit, they are in an intensely vulnerable situation. The anxiety of pooping coupled with the stress of aiming your ass towards the flow of water is just too much. As an Architect, I take this very seriously and propose that the seat jet should be banned from all WCs everywhere.

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When are they going to invent laces which remain laced or tied or whatever they are supposed to be but never are, and headphones which don’t entangle? Seriously, it’s about time people. Talking of strings, two more come to mind. The two white strings in girls’ tops. You know what the problem with girl’s clothes is? We have fake pockets in our trousers, but we have two white strings coming out of the armpits of all our tops. Are you telling me that the designer made special straps to hang the clothes in the mall, but din’t provide a pocket to me for keeping my cellphone? We have fake buttons on our blouses for which we are given extra buttons in a special tiny plastic bag. But our jeans don’t come with any extra buttons, although those are the ones we use the most.

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Have you ever been so late that you curse the universe for not inventing time travel and tele portation? Trust me, my first thought every morning. And in these times when I am trying to put my jacket zipper on, this happens.

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Why can’t the zipper just take pity on me and cooperate? What have I done to deserve this!!!!

After going through all that, the cows will be having a kitty party in the centre of the road and traffic is moving according to their whims and fancies because cows be our mata and all. The aunty in front of me in the metro, just won’t find sufficient change in her bag. OBVIOUSLY she’ll take hours to get the proper footing on the escalator. I mean, the stairs are right there. You don’t know how to climb the escalator, don’t get on it! It’s like, do people who don’t know how to trek, go to the Himalayas??

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Is it just me or does everyone face the “Windows is updating. Please don’t power off or unplug your laptop” screen whenever you need it to work instantly. Then you end up waiting a good quarter of your life for the laptop to go through its booting process before you can actually use it. And by the time this happens, you forget why you switched it on in the first place. But I completely understand my laptop’s psychology. All he wants, is to help me. It is he who reminds me ever so often that I need to update my Adobe PDF reader. Ofcourse, we all know how important that is, because from the beginning of mankind there have been millions of people who have ACTUALLY updated their Adobe PDF reader every time the dialog box comes on, right?

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Remember the good old days when the TV would switch on with the press of a single button? You would think that technology has made this task simpler over the years. But NO! We now have several remotes for operating a single TV. Want to see a wicket in an India Pak match? Well just press the red button on your TV remote, after which the big Samsung logo comes on reminding you for the millionth time which TV you own for a solid 70 seconds. Then press the red button on the other remote, after which you get to know which dish service you use. Go to the channel menu, decide whether you want to see the wicket in HD or whole naturale. Go to the sports menu. Decide from over a thousand channels which network you want to see. Mix ethanol with formaldehyde and pour it down the chimney of a dwarf’s modular kitchen and direct the flow to the river in Loompaland. By the time you are done with all this, the match is over.

* tears all hair from skull in sheer frustration *

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Going to the movies used to be less painful. The sheer jubilation and triumph that all us movie goers felt when we sang along the Vicco ad during movie intervals was unparalleled.

“Vajradanti Vajradanti

Vicco Vajradanti

Vicco powder Vicco paste,

Ayurvedic jadi butiyo se bana sampurn swadeshi,

Vicco Vajradanti”

However, this joy has been snatched away from the innocent Indian public, by Choc On ads. How does one expect the stupid ‘Cover-Uncover-Discover’ motto/jingle or whatever the hell that is, to ever replace the evergreen Vicco ad? This impertinent attempt to take away the last bit of happiness from people who have wasted a good Rs. 600 to watch ‘Mausam’ is just unforgiveable and makes the already low Indian advertising companies stoop to a whole new level.

* #$@%^&*#^#*(@*&& *

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Well other than that theres the evergreen chicken stuck in your teeth. You can feel it with the tip of your tongue, but try as much as you can, you just cant reach it with a toothpick or your nail. And the occasional idiots who talk with their ears pressed to their tablets which are bigger than their faces. Do you want to turn your sticky keys on? Ummmm, let me think. Do I want to make my life hell? Do I want to explode by screaming at the top of my lungs? NO. Are you sure? *%#$#$^%&%^&%@#$* YES, I AM SURE.

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These episodes bother everyone on a daily basis. Thankfully I haven’t yet reached the level where I would need therapy. But I swear to God, if I see KRK tweeting one more time, or if someone gives me a ‘k’, I won’t be able to guarantee my anger management skills.

© 2017, thenullstreet. All rights reserved.

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